Post by catherine madelaine michaels on Nov 10, 2010 17:19:00 GMT -5
catherine madelaine micheals.
seventeen. library assistant. junior. kristen stewart.[/font][/i]
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As much as the entire cosy small town ambient seems very soothing and pleasing, even to me, I must admit that I'm not that particulary fond of this place. Granted, if it lacked several people, it'd be quite a nice place to reside in, but with my family being as it is and, mainly, being here, there's simply not much to like. Therefor I'm looking for my quickest ticket out of here. So far, from what I can get purely by my intelligence and a bit of hard work, it's a good scholarship for a good college across the states. That would be ideal and it's the goal I'm working on. And yes, don't let my looks deceive you, just because I look like a child of a hippie rocker and an emo girl it doesn't necessarily mean I'm either of those, so back off. I have my own style and way of looking at things, it's enough that people in my own house are bothered by that, I don't need you getting on my back with your expectations as well.
Now that we cleared that out, I must also inform you that I don't bite. I seem bitchy and introverted, but I'm a sucker for most things that are way more emotional than I'm able to be. If you get on my nerves or try wrecking my insecurity even more than it already is, chances are I'll probably react. Sarcasm? Oh, it's the sweetest weapon ever made and I so dearly love to use it. However, if you have luck, I'll close in and keep my mouth shut. Though don't get your hopes up. I'm insecure, not naive, and I'm one of the stiffest grudge holders you'll ever encounter. Which leads to the fact I'm incredibly stubborn. Both in a good and in a bad way. I like to be right and being wrong in something or losing an argument usually strikes me worse than I let it show.
No worries, though, I'm not that bad. I have a trouble letting people in due to my bad past with my family and all the occasional mis-conveniences I had with people due to the behavior I described above and held to such full extends that some people found it wonderful to rub my weaknesses in my face or see me as a victim. Hell were they wrong. I never let myself be manipulated. I'm different, I'm a mess, and if you mind it I'll probably take it into my own consideration and it will probably hurt me even if I pretend I don't care, but I'll never ever change for you. Which is a good thing, right? There are more, though. I'm a fairly decent friend. A very decent one, at that. The fact that I have trouble letting people in only means I treasure them that much more when I let them close to my emotions. I don't really believe in love, sort of, and am secretly afraid of commitment, but I value friendships a lot, and since my friends are kind of like my other family, the one I have at home being too messed up and too verbally and physically molesting to bare, so it's unnecessary to say I'd do almost everything for my friends. Sure, don't expect me to jump out of a plane for you, if you express a desire for doing that, or a desire for me doing that, I'll tell you you're an idiot, but other minor things just call me and I'm there.
Also, I'm usually good at lying to people I don't really know or with which I don't have a connection of any sort, but to my friends I'm painfully honest. I find it hard not to be. Also, another good thing is that I'm pretty much very organized? I take care of doing things in time and stuff like that, but when it comes to neatness or the state of my room, for an example, I allow myself a bit of a creative mess. One other bad thing is that I'm generally not very punctual though... From a reason unknown to me, I tend to be late for arrangements, events, etc. Not too much, but enough to annoy people. I swear, it's completely out of my control. Ah, and another good thing, when you get me in my more optimistic mood (by now you could've guessed I'm more of a melancholic than a sanguine...) I'm really good with my sense of humor. Yes, I do have it. Lots of it. Actually, with my friends I tend to joke a lot, even on my own account. A stranger wouldn't even recognize me when I'm with my company of closest people, so this is another reason why I shouldn't be judged just by the first impression I might give.
Umm, I'm sure I missed a lot of things, but... You say you want to know more about my messed up family? Oh, well... To start, they aren't really that fully evil type of parents. I don't have any bruises to hide, mostly, and the general physical molestation that I get from them is just a lot of threats pushing into the wall and slaps. Nothing more. But does that approve what those bastards are doing. No, hell no. Mom's slaps make me feel as ashamed of myself as shit and dad's threats just make me scared as shit, so no, it's not alright. They way they act pisses me off, they know I'll never live up to their expectations, mostly because they change the, whenever I fulfill a part of the previous ones, and they continued to rub it in my face. Sure, they wished a kid they could manipulate and take to fancy meetings, a kid with ten talents, all of which being something they themselves wanted to but couldn't achieve in their miserable fame seeking lives. Dad never became a famous architect and mother, with all of her fancy degrees and a serious lack of nerves, can't find a decent job and it made their personalities seriously twisted. Than again, they're actually also jealous if I'm, by a chance, better at something than they were. Has your mom ever yelled out a group of cusses at you and accused you of being an egoistical arrogant little brat for writing a better essay than her in junior high? No? Well lucky you.
The worst thing is, they have their good moments. Almost like their head has an on and off button which makes them normal, kind parents with one click and a nervous wreck with two. Though the latter is far more often and pretty much common than the first. They stopped really being that when I reached the age of five or so, when we were still eligible to call ourselves a good family. Now we just pretend. It's not as if the entire street already cringes at the sound of mother's voice because even Mr. Jill at the end of the street can hear her when she starts yelling at me or dad. And him, father? Well, honestly, if mom was more normal, he would be too. He is very, very much influenced by her. She either flutters her eyelashes, starts crying and tells him how her straight a daughter is clearly a delinquent and a huge disappointment that never listens to her and whose attitude brings her to tears, and two seconds later he'll be in my room, pulling me up to look at his face and hissing in my face about what a failure I am.
The odd thing is, the rest of my family's ok. My aunts and uncles on my dad's side are like my other parents, my grandparents are saints. But, there is one secret about my parents' troubles; my mom has a prescription on Xanax and a couple more nerve, depression and anxiety drugs but she refuses to use them. Clearly, I can't do anything there. if I told her she should take them she'd probably kick me out of the house. Literally. And it's just that... All I wanted is... No, shit I can't do this anymore. This is as much dirt about my family as I'm going to tell. It's not like you'd understand or feel anything except pity for me, so let's just drop the freaking topic. My family sucks. I cry while watching Full House because I know I'll never have a family like that and prefer doing things that avoid my house, and my parents especially, at any cost. Even though they examine where I am far too much to give as much freedom. It's just... A horrible thing to live a life like that. It defines you as a person. Without them, I'd be a happy, cheerful person that I used to be and that I still am inside and for a limited crowd of people of whose reaction I'm not actually afraid of. But being any more normal than that is just a distant dream to me. Screw with my emotions and my past, I've been bullied as a kid and I'm bullied at home, I'm used to it, I'll pretend I don't care. But don't seriously expect I'll just stand there and do nothing. I'm way to angry at my parents making me what I am today to do that, so please be kindly aware of the fact that while I'm a wreck, I'm not an idiot. I sure as hell can fight back at anything you say or do.
Though, what I'd want more than all... Is for you to give me a chance. Make all this that I said not be for nothing. Come on, I'm begging you, I've never been understood in my life, I've never been a part of the crowd. But now you know me. Show me that you care, surprise me because I hardly know how getting such a response from someone feels like, hug me, and I know I'll probably push you back but don't let me push you away, don't go. Make me smile, because you have no idea how secretly I love to laugh so much. Stay. Make things right. Give me a chance and I'll start believing because of you. Believing in anything, just don't let me go. Please.
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[/color]theya. seventeen. none other characters.[/font][/i][/center]
